A blog entry Saturday on Experience Project: I am a Loner
That realization came to me after months of honest in depth bible study . I felt that I had to leave the church. The church had been my only family and all my friends were in the church. My own real family had abandoned me years earlier. When I left KY to go to Pasadena CA, for years I went by and nobody from my family bothered to call and check up on me. I could have been dead all those years and they would not have even known.
Anyway back to Worldwide Church of God. Sometime around 1989 I decided to leave the church. I was living in Milwaukee WI at the time. When I left my phone stopped ringing. Nobody invited me over anymore. It was as though I had died. None of the church members kept in touch with me. My real family had abandoned me earlier and now my only friends from church now left me alone. I was living in Milwaukee, no family and now no friends. It was tough. I had never been alone before. I grew up in a family of 8. Never knew what it was like to be alone. Now I was all alone.
Complete story here: Legalistic Religion Ruined My Life: Lonely Man Today
16 comments:
I will tell you what my own counselor told me that went deep.
"Dennis, you outgrow your boxes quickly. We all come in a box and most people don't even examine the one they came in. They stay in the family box. The one their parents gave them. You have two choices. you can get back in the box and everyone will love you. They will be happy with and for you. You, however, now angry but never again able to say so, will be on anti-depressants the rest of your life.
Or you can leave the box...you have already done that...and you will go alone..."
PS (I"m on the road to Rochester, NY to see folks) We have the choice to let something ruin us or merely be a lesson learned no other way...by experience. Our lives could have been "ruined" by taking another path. We will never know. My life could have been ruined if I went to Vietnam, draft #14. WCG spared me from that...I am no soldier!
We have the choice how we react to life. All negativity is some form of non-acceptance. Identify what we don't makes us negative and we will find what we don't accept. Sometimes, as Buddhism teaches, there is nothing left to do but have a good laugh....
Chemistry, mood and emotions take their toll in life. Sickness can be the body's reaction to the emotions which are pumped out by the mind and brain.
Thoughts are things and cause emotions. But we can learn the skills to be in charge and not just sit with our running mind.
'It is so...." helps me
I was a loner before the WCG experience and am somewhat of a loner now. No matter how many friends and associates one has, in the final analysis, we all pretty much must learn to stand alone.
I fill my life with things that interest me and keep me busy and productive. I'm comfortable with my life and where I am today. A loving wife, a few friends and associates that I feel comfortable around are all I need for the present.
It's sort of like the sign we have hanging on our patio: "So this isn't home sweet home -- ADJUST!
I see, after reading the complete essay, that he is still hung up on Jesus, and that's part of his problem. Gods and myths leave us empty in the final analysis. It's still depending on something outside ourselves.
Not knowing all the details related to your separation from family originally and WCG later I will not offer specific help. There are a number of things that I can recommend that are general and useful in many circumstances. First if the family separation was due to a conflict in religious beliefs you can reevaluate your beliefs and compare them with the beliefs in your family. I have done this and I respect theirs and they respect mine, usually the bond can be reestablished if there is a proper respect.
If the separation from WCG was the rejection of God and the bible I cannot offer much help, but if it was over doctrinal issue I can offer some support.
There are three principles that will help anyone have a better life and attract friendly relationships.
1. Develop a positive mental attitude about everything in life. Be a positive thinker that thinks the best rather than the worst.
2. Be a “good” finder not a fault finder. There is some good in everything as long as there is life.
3. Focus on today, anticipate tomorrow, and close the door on the yesterdays.
Sometimes we forget that everyday is a new beginning even if we are still dealing with some old baggage.
Albert B.
This post topic hits very close to home so to speak. The following is an excerpt from my unpublished WCG essay:
No Man Is An Island?
Second, I look back on my Church experience and I now realize how unnatural my own
youth was. I literally grew up old! Let’s face it: The impending world destruction and
“the end of the world” is pretty heavy stuff. Having Armstrong’s influence first introduced to me at age 7, I was “an old 20” by the time I realized Armstrong might not be right and I finally stopped attending this unhealthy church. In life, there is a time to be young and a time to be old. I feel I missed out on my youth and look back with much regret for my lost youth. I suffered from severe depression often during what should have been the best years of my life because I didn’t see any future for me and always felt “time was very short” as Armstrong said. Compounding the hopeless feelings, I also grew up feeling that I was different from other kids. I felt very inferior – I believe it was the partial effect of the periodic reminders of the Church’s teaching that I was “the weak of the world”, “a base thing”. I had virtually no friends in school because they were all “in the world”. We didn’t associate with people outside the Church, and I did not participate in any school activities. I remember I use to ask myself, “Why me?”
Additionally, I had the very heavy burden and grave knowledge of the impending 1972 great tribulation and the destruction of the whole world thinking all my classmates would
soon be dead! Thus, I trace the origins of becoming a “loner in life” to my Worldwide Church experience (I’ve spent most of my adult life single and alone. At age 39, I had my first real relationship that lasted only 4 years but did produce a wonderful daughter).
I didn’t feel that I fit in anywhere. In fact, in retrospect I now realize I didn’t even fit in in
the Worldwide Church. When I applied to the Church’s S.E.P. summer camp program and to its Ambassador College, I was rejected in both cases. I remember a conversation I
had with a girl at church who also applied to Ambassador College. At church, I had informed her that I had received my letter notifying me that I was not accepted to the
College. She hadn’t heard yet whether she was accepted, but promptly informed me that she had hoped to get into Ambassador “because that was where the best guys are”. Thanks, I really needed that! She was eventually accepted, and hopefully, she learned some tact at Ambassador.
I did not feel good about myself in the years I grew up in the Church and the feelings of
inferiority that the Church helped nurture stayed with me for many years. I sold myself short in a number of instances in my professional and personal life because I didn’t think I was worthy of good things happening to me. Although the Church prepared me for a 1972 German attack, the Church did not prepare me for life itself. To demonstrate the mindset of people in the Worldwide Church in the early 1970s, I recall telling a member that I was planning to go to College. The member replied, “Why go to College? The World is going to end soon!”
End of Excerpt
Richard
The guy simply told it like it is. And it's been like that for countless COG people and ex-COG people over the decades.
People were yanked away from family and friends and life and the real world, then had trouble fitting back in. And it keeps happening today.
Talk about a cautionary tale. What a total mess.
Richard, it's never too late to accomplish. I'm sorry your relationship was so short, but there are plenty of potential relationships out there. Just go looking for them and choose good avenues. I found a compatible mate in square dancing twice in my life. The bar scene is not the best venue in my opinion.
We have a cup in our set of cups which quotes Eleanor Roosevelt who said, "Do something every day that scares you." I try to practice that, and it pays off in growth and accomplishment.
I grew up timid and backward on a North Dakota ranch but I refused to stay in that state. Going to Ambassador was actually the first step forward for me because it got me out of the conditions and atmosphere that would have held me back. I've concentrated on making it a positive. In short, it was a lemon, but with water and sweetener, it has become rather good lemonade.
When I posted the last comment here I did not realize there was a lot more information given if we clicked on the complete essay. I believe what I posted earlier had some merit and could be useful, but after viewing the life experienced in the complete essay I can see there is a deeper need. In all probability I cannot be of much help since I am of another era and have great grandchildren that are already in school and my sons and daughters are grandparents.
There are a few comments that you may relate to. I am glad to see that you have a spiritual relationship you can turn to when there is a need to express your feelings and emotions. I have found this is important since there is no fear of being rejected. I will say it is also important to learn how to express this relationship with like minded people. I realize the difficulty people have in forming new relationships and generally advise making an attempt to improve the personal relationships that already exist.
I assume you want people who will be an encouragement to you, but have you considered being an encourager to other people. Not just religious people, but people in all walks of life. I find that if you would have a genuine concern for your family that is not self-serving does wonders. A genuine concern for your neighbors and find ways to help them can change a neighborhood. I personally believe that internet relationships are useless if there are no community relationships.
WCG began its real growth when there were local congregation and even though the motives may have been questionable the principle was right. You do not need a church to do what a church should do.
This is getting long so I will close that.
Albert B.
I, too, have been a "loner" for most of my life. Then again I had a few close friends when I was 11 and it was the best time of my life, which to this day I ache to go again! Like Richard Dreyfuss says in Stand By Me: "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" So true! But, through my own life experiences since I've learned we're all alone. And you ultimately have to learn to be content with your own company no matter what.
Richard said: "...the Church did not prepare me for life itself. To demonstrate...I recall telling a member that I was planning to go to College. The member replied, 'Why go to College? The World is going to end soon!'"
That, in a nut-shell, says it all, Richard! What a productive attitude! Says a lot about their worldview doesn't it--so defeatist and fatalistic! They might not pull the trigger, but it seems they hand you a loaded gun and force you to believe there's no time left, so why bother?! And they say it wasn't a doomsday cult? Oh, pa-lease!
The basic choice is whether you want to be around mentally ill people or be alone.
The solitary life can be filled with the great joy of discovery. There are so many things in this Universe to discover that the pursuit of satiating curiousity is endless. Personally, I have projects which would last hundreds of years if I were to last that long. As Robert Browning said, the world is full of so many things that we should all be happy as kings.
Unfortunately, there are addictions and relationships with other people is one of them.
The WCG was completely dysfunctional. The Armstrongist churches of their gods are dysfunctional. GCI is dysfunctional. If you don't get a sense of that, read the Ambassador Report. It wasn't just dysfunctional, it was crazy, full of narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and nut jobs. Don't believe that? The world is coming to an end and Jesus Christ returns on Saturday.
The real problem is that people become addicted to that stuff. They have "prediction addiction" as Dean Blackwell said in his sermon. People in Armstrongism are addicted to anger and rage: The ACoGs feed them with fury and the hope of death, doom and destruction. People are mentally ill; others have mental disorders up the kazoo.
I've been surrounded by crazy people all my life. I'm appreciating a measure of peace by being alone with my projects. It's quiet except for the excitement of discovery.
I have been researching how to make HTML5, CSS3, JQuery and JavaScript function to create website panels to navigate using the keyboard arrows, mousewheel, hover and swipe (like on your cell phone). I haven't seen anyone else with the technology. This enables me to build a full website in a single html page. It's exciting: Technology for the sake of technology -- all the latest stuff. And when I get darn good and ready, you will all see it.
It occurs to me that when we speak of families rejecting their own members, we are also speaking to dysfunctional relationships. Is it possible that in those instances where you have been REJECTED, it may be just as well not to associate with blood? Tolerating contempt has serious health implications.
So for those who have a healthy family, reconciliation is the best course, of course.
All others should be sequestered in forgotten realms for the sake of good health and happiness, understanding that often, it is so very difficult to give up addictions.
I hate to say it, but this guy never did have real friends in Armstrongism in the first place. That was an illusion fabricated by the system and it's leaders.
When I left, bunches of people were leaving, because first 1972 (projected beginning of the trib.), and then 1975 (projected return of Jesus) both came and went, thus proving that WCG/HWA most certainly did not speak the word of God, and actually had no special insights or inspiration.
Members continued to speak with me in the supermarket, the AC mailing department continued to call me for service on their equipment, members came up to me in industry trade shows with smiling faces and extended hands, and I can't really remember anyone making any desparaging comments or elitist remarks. It was I, if anyone did this, who distanced myself from both members and ex members for probably about 30 years.
Now, did the still friendly members violate official church policy by doing this? Without a doubt! Did they do this because they thought me to be especially cool? (I seriously doubt that!) I think they were thinking people who simply followed normal human social patterns, and if you stop to think about it, that would normally encourage people to attempt to come back into the fold more than would shunning. Basically, shunning is a religious way of flipping someone the bird.
Why the ACOGs do this, I have no idea whatsoever. It is a totally useless exercise in terms of producing Godly results. The writings of Paul actually praise those who would attempt to renew a backsliding or fallen one to a proper relationship with God.
BB
BB: You wrote "Basically, shunning is a religious way of flipping someone the bird.
Why the ACOGs do this, I have no idea whatsoever. It is a totally useless exercise in terms of producing Godly results."
Traditional Christianity always used the period of Lent leading up to Easter to welcome back those that had either left the fold or were in anathema with the church. It was a time of reconciliation and self examination. Then on Easter eve during the great vigil these people were welcomed back into the church with rejoicing.
Armstrongism has greatly relished the idea of disfellowshipping and publicly marking individuals with the intended purpose of supposedly cutting them off from friends and God. There was and still is, nothing godly about the process that Armstrongists still use today.
I made it a point over the years to stay in contact with those that left, or had been kicked out.
Disfellowshipping in Armstrong-land was a psychotic practice, instituted by Armstrong himself, designed to solidify HWA's all-encompassing authority and eradicate all who might disagree or reject his authority.
It wasn't used with compassion, or mercy -- it was inflicted with a heavy hand, often publicly, in a way that brought embarrassment and humiliation to the one being singled out. What better way to undermine someone's credibility than to publicly ostracise him before the entirety of the membership? There was basically no recovering from that.
Disagree with me, will you? Well, I'll show you who's in charge! You're OUT!
It was another example of the focus being diverted away from Jesus and onto the self-styled leader -- who, in reality, was no leader at all.
So, naturally, all the lieutenants carried out the practice in lockstep fashion, and the corruption filtered down to the local congregations -- unnecessarily ruining lives and relationships at all levels, around the world.
Shameful.
One of Armstrongisms biggest abusers of the disfellowshipment policy was Rod Meredith. When HWA kicked GTA out around 1977/78 Rod went on a slash and burn rampage. Anyone attached to GTA was sent letters of disfellowshipment. Secretaries, friends, coworkers, etc were targets. Those letters devastated people. Many asked to speak to Rod about the reasons, and he refused. Rod had his henchmen standing guard to remove them from the property and buildings. It was all about power and control. Many people lost any respect they had for that little man at that point. He truly turned into a disgusting little man. So much so that HWA saw what he was doing and banished him to Hawaii. To see Thiel and others slobbering over this man as some great man of God is revolting.
Dennis: I left that box years ago. Oh what a journey it has been!
Post a Comment